January 27, 2005

The Superior Rubber Duck

I'm not sure that enough of you appreciate the superiority of the Rubber Duck. The aforementioned Duck is superior to all other animals (and also superior to my spelling) in every way for the following reasons:
A. It floats.
B. It has its own song.
C. "When you squeeze [it], [it] makes noise."
D. Ernie loved the Rubber Ducky, and so should you.
E. It's yellow.
F. It doesn't crap like other animals do.
The significance of not crapping is especially important. Many animals have songs and are yellow and even can float, but all crap. For instance, the 10 monkeys jumping on the bed have a song, but monkeys still crap. Canaries are yellow, but they crap. Loons float, but they (alas) also crap.

Forget all the other animal options. Invest in a superior Rubber Duck. They're crap-less.

Posted by LoWriter at 03:59 PM | Comments (2)

January 22, 2005

Diggin' It


Damn snow.

After much digging this morning, I freed my car from the evil snow prison the gremlins stashed it in overnight. And I hate snow. My feet are still wet, my clean jeans are now dirty, I have a cold from Satan himself, and I hate the snow.

On the bright side, here's what I heard from my bedroom this morning as I woke up: "Vrooom. Vrrrrooooom. VRRRROOOOOOOOM. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM." And I laughed, especially after the last one, because it was the sound of tires spinning, and once you do that, you're stuck.

I, however, have the best system, born out of fear of my father's wrath, for getting out of a driveway/parking spot without getting stuck. Here's how: Crunch down tracks behind your car. You don't have to have a shovel; all you need is your foot; although, your socks (and pants) will get wet.

Use the side of your shoe to dig out the snow behind the car. Cruch down tracks behind the rear wheels. (Keep in mind that I have a front wheel drive car.) Then crunch down a track between the front and rear wheels. You don't have to dig out the front bumper or anything else. If the snow is piled above your rear bumper, scrape some off the top of the pile with your shoe until it's below the rear bumper and exhaust pipe (you do not want snow in your exhaust pipe. I don't know why, but I'm sure this has to be bad for the car). And presto! You can now get out without have to rock back and forth. All you do is put the car in reverse, apply enough pressure to the gas for some momentum, but not enough to spin the tires (which is important. Never EVER spin your tires as it makes ice out of the snow under them, and I will laugh at you because you are an idiot. I will probably point while laughing as well.), and you're out.

Not all people realize that this is the best method. I spent many a snowy morning looking out my Fountain Terrace window and laughing at the idiots in the parking lot.

One such incident involved some men and a truck. Now, the typical vrrroom sounds described above came from the parking lot and woke me up, so after being annoyed for about 15 minutes, I wandered out to the living room window and watched this one idiot and his three idiot friends spinning the tires on their truck. Then, I watched as the three boys not driving got out and stood on the back bumper bouncing while the driver spun the wheels some more. I laughed. A lot. Then, they tried to push while the guy continued to spin the tires by slamming down the gas. By this time, I decided I was going to go down and help them because they were clearly in need of an expert, and I thought that it would be pretty funny for them to have to have a girl help them figure it out. By the time I found pants, they had about 10 guys out there pushing the truck while the guy driving was still spinning the tires. They finally rescued the vehicle, but they had to have been at it for at least 45 minutes. And all they would really have needed to do was crunch down a track behind their tires, get everybody out of the vehicle and apply the gas lightly.

Now, this may seem mean, but I enjoy the fact that after backing out of our usually snow drifted driveway and driving down the even worse gravel road by our house, I am fairly good at not getting stuck. I did almost get stuck on the corner of C and Snelling, but close only counts in horseshoes. I enjoy being a farm girl. Sometimes, it just brightens my days.

Posted by LoWriter at 03:43 PM | Comments (7)

January 20, 2005

My Desk

Once upon a time, I had nothing on my desk at work. This was because I hate decorating. Then I found a picture of Garrison Keillor way way back in the day, and I pinned it to the wall of my half cubicle. Then I found a cartoon and some quotes and a couple of pieces of photocopied artwork from a sales brochure.

Then came the toys, which are now one of the few reasons I get up and go to work.

It started with an anonymous Wolverine pez dispencer showing up in my mailbox.

Then I got some magnetic animals that are hanging from my desk lamp. Then my student worker gave me a Wolverine action figure. (Because Hugh Jackman is hot.)

The most recent addition is a container of plastic animals, which is comprised of reptiles, amphibians, a tree, and three boulders. (Thank you to whoever placed these in my box.)

So, now I am faced with a dilemma. Just how unprofessional would it be, on a scale of one to ten, to create a little jungle next to my computer with Wolverine attacking a snake. Cause I think that would be pretty hilarious. Also, I think it would point out what I have just discovered: I am so bored.

That's not to say that I don't have anything to do. I'm just not interested in any of it. I hate testing the database, I'm sick of worksheets, I don't ever want to see another new text book again, and if I have to change the schedule one more time I'm going to vomit.

Here's what I really want to do: I want to be paid for my opinion. I have to get hooked up with that racket. Like the Ebert and Roeper movie review thing. Those guys go to movies all day long, then they tell everyone what they thought about them, and then they get paid lots of money. So, the benefits of being paid for your opinion are as follows: A) You have one already, so it may as well be earning you some money, B) It's not like they can evaluate your performance because I have gone to many movies that Ebert and Roeper loved and come out going, "What the hell was that about?" and C) How much work is it really to go and watch movies all day and then talk about them. I'm paying to do that right now for entertainment.

So, in short, I am going to build a jungle on my desk because I can't get paid to go to the movies. Somebody has to slay the plastic snakes, and if it can't be me, then it'll have to be a miniture Wolverine.

Posted by LoWriter at 08:27 AM | Comments (4)

January 08, 2005


All right, gentlemen, here's my question to you (ladies, feel free to weigh in, too):

Do guys like it or hate it if girls make the first move?

I was interested in this guy awhile ago, and he seemed interested, too, but I never spoke up, and he never said anything either. We've been good friends for ages, and I was just too chicken to risk spoiling the friendship. The moment has totally passed, but for future reference, I'm wondering if I should have said something. Keep in mind that he's a white boy, and I have a big ghetto-fabulous bootay, which is not something white boys are traditionally attracted to. He may not have been interested, either. He just seemed to be.

So, A) do guys care if girls make the first move, and B) does it spoil the friendship if one party is interested and the other party is not?

Posted by LoWriter at 11:44 AM | Comments (3)

January 04, 2005


I heard on the news a few nights ago that 90% of all New Year's resolutions won't even last until the end of January.

Just a little encouragement for all you resolvers out there.

Mine's going to last the whole year, though. The primary thing to remember about setting goals is that you should set attainable ones. :) I can definitely attain more Chinese food. I am frankly shocked at the lack of Chinese food in my life over the last year. Something must be done, and there is no time like the present. Pass the soy sauce and the chopsticks, baby. I'm making a resolution to remember.

Posted by LoWriter at 07:26 PM | Comments (5)