So, in the spirit of following the rules, I asked everyone to prepare a preliminary guest list for the wedding. I did this because the two sources I am spending the most time studying claim that this is an excellent way to get a rough head count so that you can begin planning everything else. Not that I am going to follow the rules about the formula (X guests= Y formality and Z number of attendants), but it would be nice to be able to be honest with the reluctant possible caterer about the numbers (especially since my dad put the estimate at 100 to 150, which I felt was reasonable even though I figured 100 was probably too low a number).
I came up with what I thought was a pretty comprehensive list. It included my close friends and my mom and dad's sisters and brothers and my cousins. This gave me a total of about 60 or 70 people, including relatives. Ben's list had about 30 additional people, so that gave us 100 (not including people from work). Then I passed the list off to my mother and asked her to fill in where she thought I had missed people.
She added 60 couples to the guest list. Yes, that's right--120 people (not counting children) IN ADDITION to the list I already had!
How did she accomplish the amazing feat of more than doubling the guest list, you might ask? Well, as far as I can tell, she added another tier of relatives!
I have a large extended family on my Dad's side, so there are tons of relatives floating around Iowa and Wisconsin. They are mostly my Dad's cousins and aunts and uncles (my second cousins, great aunts, and great uncles). I have always been bugged by many of these people. (There are a few exceptions--some are quite nice, but I left this tier off the list in the interest of saving space...I was planning for a smaller, more intimate wedding.) I have not seen any of them since my grandfather's funeral; before that, it had been since before my grandma got cancer since after that they couldn't freeload and live in her house for weeks at a time any more. Frankly, I don't care if I never see some of them again because they are not very nice to my mom and dad.
To put it in a nutshell, they are mostly a bunch of assholes.
These are the people my mother feels compelled to add to the list. I said, "Mom, why are we inviting them?"
"Well, I think you have to invite them; they're family. They won't come, anyway!"
"Then let's just save some stamps and not invite them."
"You have to invite them."
"What if they do come?"
"They won't come."
"Then why do I have to invite them?" and so forth.
Now, to be fair, my parents have offered to pay for the food, so they will be bearing the brunt of the cost of an expanded guest list, but there are other things to consider, such as postage, favors, church capacity, and the fact that the things I'm reading suggest that you should plan that 80% of the people you invite will come, not 60% like my mom has decided in her head is the magic number. :(
I had assumed that she would add something like 40 people, making the grand total (even if everyone from work came, which they probably won't--it's a little far to drive) under 200 people. Now my easy, breezy wedding is turning into a large-scale formal affair. Grrrr.
Thus, the wedding madness continues with the amazing stretch guest list: it bends; it twists; it grows. Where it stops, nobody knows!
Vegas is looking better and better every day. ;)
Posted by LoWriter at June 30, 2008 09:33 AMyikes... the guest list is really ishy... some people you dont expect to show up will, and vice versa... like, no one from my work showed up at my wedding b/c it was on the same night as a HUGE event for the press. and then NONE of my dad's side showed up at all (which was mighty odd, but i did breathe a sigh of relief). so with our guest list at 180, it turned out that 70 peeps came. i'm pretty sure this is a bit on the abnormal side...
stamps aside, it's "good of you" and "morally the right thing to do" to invite everyone. i realize it means you have a lot of leftover crap, but you'll have leftover crap regardless.
btw - "intimate wedding" is an oxymoron. ;o)
Posted by: dr gonzo at June 30, 2008 10:35 AMThink of it this way: whatever you spend in stamps, you'll get back in wedding gifts. Ok, that is horrible of me. But usually that is what extended family invitations are used for - I invited extended family and nobody showed up. I probably had about 60% response and only about 50% showed (and the people who didn't show didn't really have an excuse, lousy bums, but they weren't extended family).
Hopefully you won't have too much leftover crap. Nobody took my wedding favors, so I think unless it's an amazing favor that everybody's going to want you should estimate on the short side. I still have 50 packages of Forget-Me-Not seeds... maybe I should plant those...
Have you gotten Ben's family's side back yet?
Posted by: 10lees at June 30, 2008 12:24 PMI'm sure this is easier said than done . . . as family politics/opinions always seem to complicate anything . . . but i say invite only those you want to come. Why waste the time, energy, money, etc inviting people you don't want there anyway? And i think it's silly to invite hoping that they won't show up, but might send gifts. Someone you don't want there will certainly surprise you by attending.
I've been to a small, intimate wedding (they are possible, i promise) and it was lovely. The bride took her family's opinions into consideration but was very firm and did what she and her husband wanted. It was perfect for them.
I'm sorry though, cause i know it's complicated. But it's your wedding, so perhaps you & Ben should have the final say . . .
Posted by: mel at June 30, 2008 03:16 PMwait, 10, those were your favors? shoot! send me some! now that i've got a "green thumb" i'll totally plant some seeds! i'm a bad guest as i didnt plant my original packet.
Posted by: dr gonzo at July 1, 2008 09:44 AMAsk and ye shall recieve! I'll bring some with me when I come out.
Lo, you'll have to give us an update on what you decide to do soon!!
Posted by: 10lees at July 2, 2008 04:54 PM