Thoughts of LoWriter

The Point System

Someone recently asked me what my criteria were for dating someone. I would say that I go based on the following point system for deciding on a serious relationship, with the exception of a few deal breakers.

Deal Breakers:
1. Must have a job.
2. Must have a place to live.
3. Must have a car and be able to drive it.
4. Must have always been a man.
5. Must be a Christian (of some form).
6. Must not be a student enrolled in ENGL 80, 90, 1021.
7. Must be as old as me or older.
8. Must never have been abusive in past relationships.
9. Must be single at the time in question.

Point System:
Knows who Terry Pratchett is: +5.
Never married: +15.
Is divorced: -10.
Has kids: -5 per kid.
Has kids by different mammas: -150 per mamma.
Supports kids: +10.
Doesn't support kids: -2000 per kid.
Ever mentions my weight negatively: -20.
Believes in magic: +20.
Practices magic: +5.
Eats magic: -15.
Thinks Salman Rushdie is a type of noodle: -25.
Believes everything he hears on the news: -10.
Likes superheros: +10.
Thinks he is a superhero: -15.
Thinks COPS is quality entertainment: -5.
Likes enchilladas: +5.
Makes enchilladas: +25.
Makes the first move: +10.
Asks if he can kiss me: -10.
Demands a committment: -10.
Won't committ: -15.
Likes movies: +15.
Tries new things regularly: +20.
Knows things: +10.
Thinks he knows everything: -15.
Thinks milk comes from the store: -20.
Believes in merit-based pay: -15.
Knows who sings "The Joker": +5.
Has a close-knit family: +15.
Brings me daisies: +5.
Brings me roses: +10.
Brings me dafodills: +20.
Brings me wildflowers: +25.
Wildflowers include prairie roses: +30.
Brings them to me after a fight: -15.
Brings me sparkplugs: -40.
Doesn't know the difference between the comma and a coma: -50.
Calls people "learned" (with and "ed" instead of "learnd"): +5.
Knows the difference between Latin and Itallian: +5.
Likes music: +10.
Likes lots of different kinds of music: +10.
Likes polka: -15.
Watches NASCAR: +15.
Likes Tony Stewart (even if he does drive a Chevy): -20.
Thinks Tony Stewart is a lawyer: -35.
Still talks about my arch nemisis positively: -50.
Ever dated or considered dating my arch nemisis: -100.
Thinks my arch nemisis and I should be friends: -500.
Tells me that Jesus would forgive my arch nemisis: -600.
Likes Jesus: +100.
Sees Jesus: -50.
Sees Jesus and lives in a shack with a lot of other people who see Jesus: -2000.
Yells at God sometimes: +50.
Is a card carrying member of "The Happy Jesus People": -1000.
Tells it like it is: +50.
Tells it ilke it is when it concerns my ass: -50.
Hates swearing: -100.
Hates swearing in front of children: +100.
Has ever been convicted of a felony: -500.
Plays chess: +10.
Is a nerd: +150.
Is chubby: +150.
Can't fit through doorways: -200.
Likes computers: +20.
Fixes computers: +50.
Breaks computers: -50.
Likes Harleys: +40.
Owns a Harley: +75.
Thinks mopeds are equal to/better than Harleys: -300.
Carries bike safety to new levels: -200.
Ice skates: +50.
Likes hockey: +100.
Likes basketball: -20.
Forces me to watch basketball: -75.
Insists that I like basketball: -100.
Likes board games: +200.
Likes main stream board games: +20.
Plays video games on anything later than a Sega: -50.
Does nothing but play video games: -200.
Makes me watch while he plays video games: -500.
Quit last job by not showing up: -200.
Got fired for punching the boss: +300.
Has an accent: +5.
Has an Irish, Itallian or Australian accent: +20.
Is shorter than me: -10 per inch.
Names "it" Mobey Dick: -20.
Doesn't follow the letter of the law: +200.
Still believes dandelions are flowers: +20.
Draws: +15.
Took a year off to "find himself": -50.
Still doesn't know where he is: -300.
Likes going barefoot: +20.
Enjoys nature: +50.
Makes me go camping more than twice a summer: -30.
Likes to fish: +25.
Dreams of being Donald Trump: -25.
Looks like Donald Trump: -75.
Watches Donald Trum on TV: -150.
Beats someone up for looking at me: +10
Gets beaten up for looking at me: -40.
Sweet: +300.
Kind: +300.
Rude to waitstaff: -300.
Gentle: +300.
Tough: +250.
Man Pouts: -500.
Smokes: -5.
Smokes Pot: -50.
Smokes other cars at stoplights: +25.
Volleys jokes (even if inappropriate): +50

Bonus Points (worth 500 each if brought up upon introduction/first or second date):
*Argues intelligently about whether or not Terry Pratchett is really Sci Fi.
*Lists at least one of my favorite books as one of his favorite books upon introduction.
*Compliments my eyes.
*Mentions Paolini.
*Took and enjoyed a class from Thomas Becknell.
*Brings up the upcoming Serenity movie.
*Has enjoyed Salt and Pepper chips.
*Knows where Brooks and Thief River Falls are, having been there.
*Doesn't say that he must have been by Brooks on his way to Duluth after I say that it's in the northwest corner of the state.
*Denotes the finer details of Sunday's race, including the reason why, according to announcers, Rusty Wallace fell behind at the end.
*Doesn't hold with existentialism.
*Tips his hat to responsibility, but still talks about his dreams/goals.
*Mentions his writing before he knows what I do for a living.
*Pronounces my name correctly on the first try.

Well, that's the rough list. I hope you've enjoyed it. I know I laughed. I hope you did too.

Posted by LoWriter at April 4, 2005 05:47 PM