I didn't write an article on the anniversary of Amy's death this year. Frankly, I believe I was not feeling very well that day, so I had pain of a different variety to deal with.
I guess if I had to sum up the year in a nutshell, I would put it like this: This year, I ate peaches and cream and it didn't taste like sawdust.
When Amy died, I didn't want to eat, but of course, you can't go through life without eating, so my mom made me sit down and eat (obviously). She fixed me peaches and cream with graham crackers, a treat that was always a childhood favorite, and made me sit there until I'd eaten it. That was the first thing I ate after Amy died, and it tasted like sawdust. It tasted like I'd been crying for hours on end (which I had). It tasted like all my sorrow in a bowl. It tasted like life going on without my best friend.
And I've never been able to really enjoy peaches and cream since. I can't say for certain that I've never eaten it since, but I've never fixed it for myself, and I have turned it down at home on more than one occasion, saying something about how I don't really like it anymore.
This year, I was jonesing for it. I was sick, and I thought that peaches and cream with some graham crackers over the top would hit the spot. And it tasted like it used to taste. It tasted like being a kid. It tasted like summers in my mom's kitchen.
I'm not going to say that I'm getting better because I'm pretty sure you never get better. But it does get easier. I'm starting to feel like my own person again. I know, some accomplishment after 11 years, right? And yet, I feel like I am more myself again than I've been in a long time.
I've said it before, but in a weird way, the loss of my grandfather has helped me cope with losing Amy all those years ago. You don't forget, but you get older. I'm learning. My whole life doesn't have to be about one very tragic loss. I get to have a life, too. I get to have a life, and I don't have to feel guilty about it. I don't have to feel guilty about enjoying it, about falling in love, about moving forward.
I get to enjoy peaches and cream with graham crackers and all the other good things that life holds without it meaning that she meant any less to me than she did. I get to enjoy the things that living holds for me. And I'm so very glad to have turned this corner at long, long last.
Posted by LoWriter at September 20, 2008 12:22 AM