Thoughts of LoWriter

Sweet Success and Becoming 87

A couple of you already know this, but Ben has given me permission to write about my feelings about it and thus broadcast it to the world.

We found out several weeks ago that Ben has diabetes.

It's surprising how much of an effect this news can have on a person. I knew he was getting tested, but as far as either of us knew, he hadn't been sick, and it was an extra test he asked for just as a precaution. So, when he told me, I was pretty freaked out. I didn't know if he'd have to give himself shots or if he was going to die or lose an appendage or how any of this stuff worked. I spent whole days worrying that he was going to go into shock or a coma or who knew what because his sugar was too high or too low. I felt like it was all my fault, that if I'd been a better woman and made him eat better, then he wouldn't have gotten it. In short, I was a nut case. For days. For weeks. More so than usual.

He doesn't have to give himself shots. He just has to count carbs. This does not mean that he should stop eating carbs; in fact, he has to eat between 3 to 5 "carb choices" (45 to 75 grams) per meal to keep his sugar from dropping too low. And I have been coming along for the ride because I need to lose weight, too, and this is a healthy option for doing so. It's actually the way everybody should balance out their diets, according to the nurse tonight. (Though women should eat between 45 and 60 carbs per meal.)

And at first, it was really exhausting (and, let's be honest, it still is on a Friday night when my stupid job has sucked the big one all week, and I just want a cheesburger in a sack to console myself with). We have to do a lot of math when we're figuring out our meals. We can't just walk into the kitchen and grab whatever we want and call it good. We have to calculate what will get the most diversity of foods in the carb limits with enough food to fill him up so that he won't be starving and crashing by the time the next meal rolls around. This means we have to cook, which neither of us enjoys, but we're both getting better at. And it means that we cook as a team. (He handles the raw meat, which means I can eat meat that didn't come in deli slices.)

And there's so much to learn; for example, we just found out that dietary fiber can be subtracted from total carbs (according to his nurse). (So, Dr. G, the word on the street is that Dreamfields pasta is better for you than regular pasta. Sorry for the previous misinformation; we are taking the box to class with us in two weeks to see for sure.) But it has gotten less exhausting as we've started to memorize how many carbs are in things.

And today, we finally got to go to our diabetes education class (he can bring a guest)! Today, he found out that his A1C went down from 7.2 to 6.2, in about a month, which is apparently pretty rockin' awesome, and the nurse at the class practically gushed over us. Today, I feel so much better.

I have a real need for positive feedback, and I was really needing some today. Ben has also been telling me all along how much I'm helping him, but I'm a perfectionist, so I always feel like I could be doing better and being more supportive. I feel guilty if I eat cereal around him or have one more piece of bread than he does, and it's not because he makes me feel that way. I just feel that way on my own.

So, it was good to hear that I am not holding him back and that I am helping in some real solid ways. I feel energized to work harder and lose more weight myself (13 pounds so far, though), and I feel like I am gaining tools that I asked my doctor for, but they wouldn't give me. The nurse was really impressed that we were both asking good questions. She was very, very impressed with Ben's efforts and how much they'd paid off.

Actually, Ben got kudos all around from the nurse and the doctor this morning and from the nurse tonight. :) He's been a real trooper, and I'm very proud of him. He is exercising and filling out his blood sugar book and eating better, and I am impressed. I wish I was as dilligent as he is.

So, we have been eating a lot of veggies and fruits and meat and cheese (though he has eaten less cheese than me, and this is probably why he is winning the weight loss race--see cheese has no carbs, but it has tons of fat). I mostly hate meat (I'll eat it in a restaurant, but I rarely cook it myself), and prior to this, I suspect that Ben hadn't seen a vegetable since 1987. (No, PopTarts are not a vegetable, for the last time.)

Essentially, we have been in low-carb hell.

But Ben is just trucking away, and it doesn't seem to phase him much, and I am so impressed. He has helped with planning meals (and we are spending a lot of time planning meals these days), and he has started packing a lunch, and he is doing everything they told him to do.

In the beginning, I joked that it seemed a little like we skipped over our life and now we were 87, wandering through the grocery aisles arguing about whether or not we can both still eat lima beans.

But by and large, I feel like the worst has blown over. We eat a few more salads and not so many noodles, and this is probably a good thing. And I've been impressed with us as a team. We have really been working well together and hitting our stride pretty quickly, considering that neither of us knew anything about diabetes a month ago. We pull well together. We take care of each other. I feel like if this is a taste of what we'll be like together when we're 87, then bring it, life. I'm all game.

And with any luck, if we keep changing things now, we'll still both be around to see 87.

So if you see us arguing about the lima beans, avert your eyes. We'll still be holding hands when we eventually navigate out of the frozen section and leave the store, and that's all that matters.

Posted by LoWriter at April 1, 2008 11:09 PM