Well, I didn't write about it on here, mostly because I stupidly chose to make it part of my memoir for my class, but it has been a year since my grandpa passed away.
I like to take these anniversaries and take stock. I like to see if I've accomplished what I set out to. I like to ask myself if he'd be proud of me. I'm not sure about that one. Maybe.
And the truth is that I'm not sure how I feel about it. My sister and I got together for dinner on the day of because she was feeling low. I feel bad because I don't feel as devastated as she does. Every time I want to get really sad, I think of how sick he was, and then I just have to cut off whatever tears think they want to fall. I can't be devastated. I wouldn't wish being in pain like that on anyone, least of all someone I loved as much as I loved Grandpa.
My memoir was all about how my dad and I didn't really used to get along, and in it, I talk about how Grandpa was a bridge between us. Without him, we aren't sure how to talk to each other. It's probably more true that Grandpa was like a second father to me. He was the one who told me he was proud of me. I miss that a lot. Even when I talked trash, Grandpa thought I was funny, and I liked that. He'd always walk me out of his apartment and then ask me how things were really going, out of earshot of Grandma, as if he trusted me to help him protect Grandma.
The truth is that I miss him a lot. It's not the gaping, awful ache that I felt for a long time after Amy died. And even Amy's death has become more palatable in the aftermath of Grandpa's. I don't know why, but neither aches the way hers did before. You would think two deaths would hurt worse, but they don't seem to.
The image that makes me happiest, yet the most tearful at the same time, is the image of him at the kitchen table in Heaven drinking coffee with my favorite great-aunt and great-uncle, talking and laughing and not in any pain.
Posted by LoWriter at April 11, 2007 08:36 AMstop making me cry at work!
for some reason I thought this had happened earlier in the year, so while i didn't make the conscious decision... two weeks ago i was shopping in Powells books in Portland and finally picked you up a copy of a book i've been meaning to get you. it's about life and death and i can't say much more without giving a lot away, but for some reason it made me feel better about my own losses. strangely i also sent it off today (before i read this blog), so you'll probably get it in the next couple of days. anyway it's for when you have a moment to read - no pressure to read it now because i know you are plenty busy...
and I know your grandpa would be proud of you, he was so proud of you during your life that there's no way he wouldn't be proud of what you are doing now!
Thanks, sweetie, for everything.
And yes, you're right, the date was March 28th. I was just so busy with my memoir for class that I didn't post about it.
Posted by: Lo at April 11, 2007 12:24 PMIt is stories like this that make me stop thinking about my own life for a minute and reflect on the things that my now gone family members did for me. Thanks. I would never be the person I am today without the help of my grandfather. He's been gone just over 7 years now.
Posted by: jeff at April 12, 2007 12:10 PMJeff, I am glad that the article held meaning for you. I too am often humbled when I think of all that my grandparents and parents (and other relatives/ancestors) have done for me.
Posted by: Lo at April 13, 2007 10:42 AM