Thoughts of LoWriter

What I Don't Want for Christmas

While many people this year will construct lists of the things their hearts long for this Christmas, I have decided that (since my family never gets me what I ask for anyway) I would rather make a list of the things I don't want for Christmas.

The top ten things I don't want for Christmas are as follows:

10. Coal. This is a lame gift on many levels. While it is true that Santa brings it to naughty children (and aren't we all naughty on some level?), it is also true that someone might find this to be an excellent source of heat and thus, heartwarming. I would much rather receive gas if you are going to get me a fossil fuel for Christmas. At least then I could afford to drive my car to see you.

9. Bathroom Ads. This means you, Big D. No bathroom ads for Christmas. Don't pull the plexiglass off the bathroom stall advertisement case when we go to Alter Boyz and hand an ad for beer to me in the parking lot while saying "Merry Christmas!" I mean it.

8. Forks or Knives from Old Chicago. Once again, this is primarily directed at you, D. I already have quite a collection of these. And while I enjoy waking up on Wednesday morning and finding them in my pockets and/or purse, I do not need them for Christmas. Steal something with character, like a beer glass, if you want to give me a "hot" item this year.

7. A Box of Snow. This is a stupid gift primarily because by the time it gets here it would be water.

6. Any Kind of Packers Memorabilia. I hate the Packers so much. SO MUCH. I hate their stupid cheeseheads. Cheese, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable and encouraged.

5. Thomas Kincaid Artwork Books. Not to be a bitch, but if anyone has purchased this for me, take it back immediately. Seriously. You have stumbled upon something my mom gives me every year without fail as my Christmas card (in spite of the fact that I have no less than two Amazon wish lists), and while I liked them when I was sixteen, I have since outgrown the need to stare at picture after picture of cottages and gardens. And I have to pretend to like them because, let's face it, you can't make your mom sad on Christmas. That's just bastardly.

4. Easter Eggs. Could you at least get it together and get the right holiday?

3. Windshield Wipers. While nothing says you care like getting that special person something that wipes bug guts off of their windows, you might want to leave the auto aisle and brach out into the rest of the store. I would, however, love some lock de-icer if you can find a Target that doesn't suck too much to carry it (especially now that I'm down to one working door on my car).

2. Your BLANK in a Box. If you saw SNL this week, then you absolutely know what I'm talking about. This is a terrible present. You're not that wonderful. I know.

1. Spam. While it was tough to decide between this and the runner up for the top spot, Spam had to ultimately win based on the fact that this is possibly the grossest food I can imagine. If you must buy me something in a can, get me cashews. And not the broken kind, either. The premium, whole cashews. Yum.

That's it for my top ten things I don't want. Hopefully, this has steered you away from the stupid end of gift giving... or at the very least, given you a laugh. Enjoy the last seven days of shopping before Christmas!

Posted by LoWriter at December 18, 2006 11:14 AM