Lately, my life has been in the spin cycle of the wash machine. Most of it, I can't discuss yet, at least not on here.
Basically, I know I wrote awhile ago about "new era resolutions." Well, I think I can officially say I have entered a new era even though I have not dyed my hair since.
I had an epiphany last week. Now, you don't really wake up and think, "Gee, I think I'll have a revelation today," so that was weird in and of itself. Basically, I have tacked back and think I want to be a teacher now (not of high school, of college). It's very strange.
Then, the track of my life has pretty much changed directions about three times in the last week. So, if I talked to you on Monday and haven't talked to you since, you are probably out of the loop of what is actually happening at this point. Where I thought my life was going on Monday is not where it is going now.
I'm beginning to see my life as a bit of a poker game these days, and I've always been semi good at poker (not at Texas Hold 'em. At five card draw poker). Right now, I'm playing my cards close to my chest and eyeballing the other players at the table. And as sure as I know anything, I know this. They're holding garbage and trying to bluff me. They may even try to cheat before we're through, but for now, they're bluffing. I know all their "tells" before they do them, but basically, they jump the gun and talk too much and look around at the other players trying to size them up rather than looking at the cards they're holding in their hands. No one knows what I'm holding in my hand (except me), but I certainly know what they're holding.
Little do they know that the key to bluffing is the same as to lying. And I am nothing if not an excellent liar. The trick is that you have to believe it yourself. You have to lie to yourself before anyone else will believe a lie you're telling them. You tell yourself over and over again that the lie you're inventing is the truth, and pretty soon, you don't know the real truth anymore. You come up with fake tells that make it look like you're feeling one way (i.e. make excitement look like nervousness and make nervousness look like excitement. Turn fear into pride). It's not as simple as staying steely faced the whole time. You have to change your expression every time. It's a lot like acting; you have to come up with a character and believe that character is real even though it's not you. This is why I try my best not to lie anymore. By the time you're done, you don't even know what the truth is anymore, and who you were is buried under layers of who you pretended to be, sometimes for years at a time. These days, I try to be honest, so if I seem like I'm no good at lying, it's because I don't want to be anymore. My heart isn't in it. Bluffing, on the other hand, is perfectly all right.
Everything I thought I'd planned has changed, and I think it's a good thing, but I think we all know how I feel about change. Oh, that's right. I hate it. This time around, though, it feels good. I feel like I've been smooshed up against the glass ceiling for about a year and a half, and it's nice to finally have some breathing room.
And for those of you wondering just what I do have in my hand, well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see. The other players aren't the only ones with tricks up their sleeves.
Posted by LoWriter at June 12, 2006 07:39 AM