Thoughts of LoWriter

My Lesson

Every year, I try to take away one lesson from the year. Last year, for example, I would say that my lesson could be summed up as the following, "You have to be a little pushy if you're ever going to get on the subway." It basically means that I shouldn't be so nice all the time, or I'm going to get left out, trampled, and lost.

While it's probably a little early to say for sure, I think my lesson this year (should I choose to actually learn it) will probably end up being something like, "You can't please people."

To begin with, people don't want to be pleased. We are constantly displeased with everything. If we weren't, we would die because we are not happy unless we have something to strive towards. Why should I think that I can change the entire human nature just because I want people to be happy and to like me?

I've tried to learn this lesson before. I've spent a lot of time doing what other people want me to do simply because they want it and because I seem to believe their happiness is somehow more important than my own. The problem is that then they aren't happy anyway. They move on to the next thing and the next.

In regards to friends right now, I have to say that I'm incredibly lucky. In my friendships, at least, I am surrounded by people who make me happy. I really made an effort over the last years to stop be-friending people who are cruel or controling or lazy or unreasonably cynical/selfish. And I don't really have many "acquaintences" or "fake" people around me anymore. Now, I have a group of friends that, while admittedly smaller, makes life better. By the same token, I hope that I bring these people some amount of happiness (although, I doubt I could ever give you what you've given me).

But I realize, partly through my recent reading, that I worry too much about what people who aren't my friends think about me. Not everybody in the whole world is my friend. I need to remember that sometimes. Sometimes I forget that there are lines and rules about how to interact with people. Sometimes I just think of everybody in the same dandelion, sunshine-y way.

What I want has so often been determined by the image that I want to create, not by what will make me happy. I want to be perceived as successful, so I do many things that will ensure my "success" financially. I strive towards goals that will grant me a certain amount of shine. If I can just acheive X then my parents will be proud of me, and I will feel like I have accomplished something. And sometimes, when my house is clean and I'm feeling well, I do feel an enormous sense of satisfaction in my little life. But more often than not these days, I think about who I am and realize that this is not it, and it troubles me. I may not have wanted to be "corporate," but I never really wanted to be a "helper" either.

All I've ever wanted was to say something worth saying.

Maybe it's about time I started directing some energy towards that.

Posted by LoWriter at March 15, 2006 11:52 AM