FYI: This is to inform you that the calvary is not coming. You may have been under the impression that it was coming, perhaps to rescue you. Unfortuneately, this is just plain wrong. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I work so much, primarily because everybody keeps asking me why I work so much, but also because of some drama that I can't discuss from my night job. This drama led me to think very vividly about what my life would be like without a second job before throwing me back into the reality that is having a second job indefinitely for the rest of my natural born days.
At first I thought that it was because the calvary is not coming. I.e. no one is coming to rescue me. But that could apply to working all the time, too. Nobody can rescue me from that either.
And you know what? I wrote all this crap--paragraphs and paragraphs, honestly, it was saga-worthy--about how it's all because of when I was in the hospital and it's because I'm scared because there is no calvary and bladiddybladiddyblablabla. I decided it was bogus, so I'm not going to post it. The bottom line is that I don't know why I do it. I kinda like the money, but when I see the money, it never seems like quite enough to cover the things I've missed. I like the freedom, but then when I think about it, I don't really have any freedom because I'm at work all the time. It's easy money, but so what? So is being a phone sex operator, but I'm not going to do that every night. So what is the real issue here?
I don't know why I work all the time. Same as I don't know why I eat so many chips, and I don't know why I worry all the time for no apparent reason about stupid things, and I don't know why I've stopped writing anything but the drivel I write on here. I don't know. And I probably don't want to know. The reason is probably ugly with incredibly large teeth. It will probably swallow me whole.
I will say, though, that I probably got one step closer to quitting last night when I heard strange noises (which I've decided were from the ventillation system but it's hard to convince yourself of that in the dark) and found myself wandering down the hallway looking for the source of the noises like the stupid blonde girl always does in horror movies. As soon as I opened a closet I'd never known was there, it dawned on me that this was possibly one of the more retarded things I've ever done in my life, and I immediately set the alarm and left. I made up my mind that the alarm company could deal with it. No one is paying me to be the next Scream movie.
Posted by LoWriter at February 8, 2006 10:41 AMI vote for becoming a phone sex operator.
Well, let's be honest, I do have a very sexy voice. MmmmHmmmm.
Posted by: Lo at February 8, 2006 07:38 PMand you are a blonde...
Lo, have you ever thought that maybe the reason isnt so big and ugly and scary? maybe it wont eat you whole? maybe it will... but maybe it's something so overly simple the process of eliminating the hay to find the needle would be excrusiating?
i think im' more transparent to myself than i like to admit. i know i dont write out of sheer laziness. that's it. laziness. i have ideas. i have talent, i have fun when i do it. but i'm too effing lazy to do anything but sit on my arse watching Lost while downloading podcasts and sipping cheap red wine.
for a while i thought a 2nd job would be great, financially. but then i thought of all the things i could not do - like randomly visit MN or walk on the lakefront at night. fuck it. i'm poor, and i'm happier for it. it was a hard decision... but i'm glad. even if i am transparent...
Posted by: dr gonzo at February 9, 2006 10:20 AMI'm glad that you are feeling at peace about having only one job. I don't think you're transparent, but it's good that you feel like you know yourself. That's important. And I'm glad you'll still be able to come to MN from time to time.
It's possible that the reason in my case is simple, but the more I tried to write about it, the more I thought "But that's not really it... no that's not really it, either." And all the things that I thought were simple that I thought it was turned out not to be it. As soon as I shone a light on them and went, "AH HA!" I had to recognize that they were actually reasons for other things and not what I was looking for at all. I'm going to mix metaphors here, but think of looking for something that's starting to stink in your fridge. You open a container, expecting that to be it and then find that whatever it is is actually last night's still yummy chinese food and not the stinky thing at all. It's kind of like that. I can smell it, I just can't find it. Which leads me to believe that it's hiding, and in my experience, anything that's hiding is up to no good. It's also usually ugly. With teeth.
On the plus side, I'm doing some personality stuff. I re-looked at the Myers Briggs definition of an INFJ, and I'm pretty much text-book, right down to not listening to other people's suggestions becaue I trust my own instincts above all else. If it's any comfort, only about 1% of the population has my personality type (making it the most rare), which really does mean that I'm just weird when compared to everybody else.
On the other hand, the color test I took so far says I just want attention. It says other things, but I can't understand them yet. C is going to help me analyze.
I think I just don't feel like I should quit, and until I do, there's probably not much I can do about it except try to figure out why I don't feel right about quitting and then convince myself that it's dumb to feel that way. (Or to realize that it isn't dumb to want to feel secure and find a way to be happy with my decision until I can make a different decision.)
Posted by: Lo at February 9, 2006 12:47 PMLike i said...go the phone sex route.
Then you'd really have something to write about.
HAHAHA!! :)
Screw deeper meaning!
I have to agree with Megs, I've thought about getting a second job out here and aside from the fact that I would have to 'do my time' before I had it as good as I had it at Kohls, it's about what I value. And I value sitting at home on the couch during the night time and relaxing. It's quite nice and you feel very refreshed afterwards. I had my 'work constantly' days and it was called college. I regret some things about college because I didn't have enough time for friends and, quite frankly, I will never have enough money.
I guess that is what it came down to for me, I will never have enough money. There will always be something I am trying to pay off, something I am saving to do, or something I want. But the truth is I can probably go without it, or buy cheap tolite paper for a few months to save up for it (hehe). That, and I realize I have it a lot better than most people in the world. I am, after all, an american.
Posted by: 10lees at February 10, 2006 09:54 AMyou should start labling your tupperware... ;o)
i'm an ENFJ, and it's a fairly common personality type in the midwest. i dont like being common, but i do like being an ENFJ.
i think figuring out what to do before you do something is a very good way to go. either that, or just do the phone sex thing... seriously. ;o)
Posted by: dr gonzo at February 10, 2006 11:17 AMBTW the scream thing made me laugh, but I agree you shouldn't be in the next scream movie... but at least you weren't making out with a guy and then opening random closets - then you'd surely be dead! :-)
Where do you take this Myers-Brigg personality thing? I wanna know!! I want to have cool acronyms too...
Posted by: 10lees at February 10, 2006 11:28 AM"Whatever. I do what I want."
Posted by: Lo at February 10, 2006 03:36 PMThat made me bust up at work yesterday! :-) I can totally hear you say it too...
Ok so I took a test online and I am a iNTj which is apparently rare (though not as rare as Lo's). Of course this was NOT administered by a psychologist so it's not technically 'real'. So I am going to start a discussion on my blog about it - come and see!!
i think these tests are bizzare. but only once have i ever recieved a different score than ENFJ, and it was back in high school when i had no clue what i was about. i think they have a good general basis for what they say about you, but you change so frequently in life that you should take it w/ a grain of salt.
Posted by: dr gonzo at February 13, 2006 10:20 AMActually, it usually takes years for your Meyer's Briggs to change. I do think they sort of sugar coat it, though, and if you'd like a test to beat you over your head, you should take the Luschen's (Luscher? I can't remember) Color Test. It's a deep psychological test about where you are right now, and it can change in the space of five minutes, but it's incredibly accurate, at least in my experience. It saw right through me, at least. For instance, I only want attention. And I want to be special. Which is why INFJ is perfect for me. :) It's all about what you want and what you're placing value on right now.
Posted by: Lo at February 14, 2006 05:17 PM