Thoughts of LoWriter

Top Four Conversations

Some of you may remember (from a very long time ago) that I was one of the people whose information was on a computer stolen from my student loan bankers. Since then, I have had the opportunity to speak with customer service representatives from every company I have ever dealt with. Here are the top four conversations from this experience:

4. Wells Fargo. Their letter said if I had any questions, their "specialists" would be able to help, so I gave them a call."

ME: Hi, my information was on one of the computers that was stolen out of there and I want to know if I need to call anyone besides all my credit card companies and the credit bureau reporting agencies?

THEM: Uhhhh. Well, you should call one of the credit bureau reporting agencies like it said in that letter which you should have received. Did you receive that letter, ma'am?

ME: Yes, I recieved the letter, and I called the credit bureau reporting agencies, but I'm wondering if I need to call anyone else.

THEM: You called more than one agency?

ME: Yes.

THEM: You just needed to call one.

ME: Yeah, I'm not willing to wait another two days for them to call each other.

THEM: Well, then, you should call your credit companies.

ME: I did that.

THEM: Well, then I don't know who else you'd need to call.

ME: Well, do I need to call the social security people and let them know?

THEM: Uhhh. I don't... know I guess.

ME: Well, when I get this free year of this identity theft program, will that get me access to a person who would know?

THEM: Uhhh. I don't think so. Most identity theft happens in the first 30 to 90 days, and since nothing has happened yet, you're probably OK.

ME: Well, when was the info stolen? My letter is dated the 26th.

THEM: Uhhh. At the beginning of October, but no one's had any problems yet...

Which was extremely comforting, I must say.

3. Firstmark.

ME: My information, including my name, number, address, mother's maiden name, and social security number, was stolen, so I want to password protect my account.

THEM: We don't do that.

ME: Well, I need a different system for authorizing access other than the last four digits of my social security number.

THEM: Well, we make you verify your name, address, phone, social security number and mother's maiden name when you call.

ME: All of which they have.

THEM: Well, I can make a note on your account to verify your account number every time, but I can't guarantee they'll do that.

ME: Look, I'm not paying you any more money than I already owe you, so it's no skin off my nose if you don't do anything about it.

THEM: Well, we'll put the note in the account file, but that's all that we can do. I can't guarantee that they'll check the account number. I don't what they'd do with your information, anyway.

Hmmm. They do lend money there, don't they?

2. MN Department of Ed.
ME: Hi. I'm calling because my information, including my social security number, was stolen recently from a computer with my bank and I need to know what I can do to protect my teaching license.

THEM: Oh, no. I'm not sure who you need to talk to, but I'll transfer you to licensing.

THEM: Licensing.

ME: Hi. I'm calling because my information, including my social security number, was stolen recently from a computer with my bank and I need to know what I can do to protect my teaching license.

THEM: Oh, my goodness, that's just horrible! Yes, I heard about that on the news--isn't that just aweful. I can transfer you to [insert name] who will take care of that right away, but can I ask you a personal question first?

ME: Uh... ok.

THEM: How did they notify you about this?

ME: Oh, they sent me a letter.

THEM: Oh, well, so what should I do if I get one of those letters?

1. AT&T/Cingular Wireless. I called them and had the opportunity to speak with their new phone tree.

THEM: Welcome to AT&T Wireless. AT&T and Cingular have teamed up to bring you the best possible customer service. Please state what you would like help with. For example, if you would like help with your bill, say, "I have a question about my bill."

ME: I have a question about account passwords.

THEM: I'm sorry. I did not understand that command. Please try again.

ME: Account security.

THEM: I'm sorry. Let's try that again. For information regarding billing, please say, "Billing." [bla bla bla big long list] For information regarding your account, say, "Account information." For information regarding repairs and service, say "Service."

ME: Account information.

THEM: You have chosen service. Is this correct? If yes, say, "yes." If not, say no.

ME: No.

THEM: I'm sorry let's try that again.

ME: Account information.

THEM: I'm sorry I didn't understand that. Let's try again.

ME: [pressing zero]

THEM: Main menu. For billing, say, "Billing."

ME: Customer service representative.

THEM: [BIG PAUSE] I can do that.... but let's see if I can help you first. For billing, say, "Billing."

ME: NO!!!

THEM: [Pause.] We seem to be having some trouble, so just hang on for one moment, and I'll transfer you to a touchtone system. [pause] Welcome to AT&T/Cingular's touchtone system. For billing...

Posted by LoWriter at December 2, 2004 03:33 PM