I'm feeling really low and frustrated. My job continues to get me down, mostly because other people don't take their jobs seriously.
These days, when my job is getting me down more than lifting me up, I try to remember the people that I'm there to help. I try to remember the people who get turned away and probably never come back because no one was there to help them. I try to remember that even though no one wants to hear about it, those people are still important; they still matter; it is still my job (until the Powers That Be fire me or I walk out--whichever comes first) to stick up for those who can't stick up for themselves yet. I still have to be the voice for the silent. I still have to be the one who represents the under-represented. And yes, I still have to be the one who kicks a few out of the nest when they need to learn to fly--when their wings are ready but they don't know it yet and will never know it if someone doesn't make them take that first faltering flight.
I try to remember that I have a duty as the lead to make sure that the other employees that are actually somewhat under me are not overworked and stressed.
I try to remember that I am there because I have a calling, not just because I want a paycheck, and that callings are never pleasant. Callings are never something easy that just anybody would love to do all day, every day. Callings usually involve something ugly that the called individual has to make right, and once it is right, that person usually gets called somewhere else where things are equally as grim. Being called is about the yuckiest experience one can go through.
I try to remember that I'm in good company. I'm sure there were days when Anne Sullivan wanted to bean Helen Keller's parents and previous tutors in the heads because they were making the entire process more difficult.
Somedays, I even remember to count to ten before I shout, "WHAT?!" at a colleague who doesn't really need me when s/he is taking my attention away from a person or a problem that really does need me. I try not to yell at people who push down on my backpack and tell me to come back from lunch in a better mood. I try not to take it personally when people judge me unfairly. I try to turn the other cheek when a colleague tells me, essentially, that I dress like I'm poor (which I don't). I try to remember that friendships come and go like tides, and this is perfectly ok. I try to answer my phone kindly, and I try to be a good sister to my college-aged sister after all this is over. I try to be a better person tomorrow than I was today because I'm trying to be a better person in general. I try not to get too upset when I fail at this goal because, after all, "The force of character is cumulative," and all that matters is whether or not I've moved forward over the span of my life.
In short, I try not to go home and drink a six pack alone in a dark room while watching Office Space repeatedly every night.
Somedays, though, somedays, like today....when I feel like I'm getting bronchittis and I can't sleep because I've been coughing so hard that I've been vomitting for two days and people ask me why I'm at work after other people have complained that I'm not at work enough...when people say, "Gee, you're sick an aweful lot" after the air circulation has been off all day and the room smells like someone's socks after they walked through rain puddles and yet another person has touched me or my desk or my things with their germ-infested hands...when I'm behind on my overtime work...when the printer is out for the hundredth time and no one can determine whose budget should pay for a new one after six months of debate...when I go to a meeting and come back to find that someone hasn't shown up and thus the room has been a little slice of hell for an hour...in short, when I'd really rather just snuggle under a blanket with my boyfriend and make him pet my hair... those days, I really want to win the lottery, show up in my pajamas, throw my stuff in a box, and yell, "I QUIT!" over my shoulder as I saunter out the door with my possessions.
And this pretty much illustrates why I'll never win the lottery. Like I said, callings can be such a bitch. ;-/
Yeah, it's been awhile. Why, you might ask? Lots of reasons. First, well, you see, there's this boy. And I think he's pretty great, so I sort of donate a lot of my free time to him. There's also this credit card bill(s) that needs to be paid. Apparently, I like new clothes and shoes. Who knew? Therefore, much of my time has been spent proofreading and sleeping (due to health issues TBA) and playing these days.
I wrote a big, long entry about all my favorite TV, but the Internet crashed while I was trying to find a YouTube version of Family Guy's "The Freakin' FCC." It was relevant at the time. I will probably post the entry at a later date, but seeing as how I worked on it for, oh, two hours, and lost everything, it dropped in priority. And, like I said, there was the boy, so it didn't really get re-written.
And now for an uber personal announcement related to my health (all three of you have probably already heard this). My new doctor (numero three since my last doctor left for urgent care) thinks that I have PCOS. Some of you may remember my breif stint in the hospital a few years ago, which was really emotionally tramatic for me for reasons I don't quite yet understand. Anyway, as I have mentioned in previous rants, they've had me on birth control to try to regulate the cysts. But, pretty much, they've had me on birth control that is completely the opposite of what I need. So, when I said, "I'm having a really hard time controlling my weight," I was right, and they were wrong. My pill was basically fighting me every step of the way. Then I had another cyst rupture a couple weeks ago, which, as you can imagine, scared the hell out of me. Now I'm on something better, and I have a new doctor (which is on my list of 101 goals). I'm still really exhausted, but I think I'm getting a little better every day, so life goes on.
Ben and I went up to Gooseberry Falls for a day a couple weeks ago, so that was incredibly romantic and fun. We went on that really bleak Sunday here in town, but it was gorgeous up there. The sun was out and it was perfectly crisp and cool. Best of all, there was hardly anyone around on the trails, so we got to see fifth falls pretty much undisturbed. He's way more daring than I am, but he was kind enough not to make me go slogging through the mud on some of the less traveled paths. I'm kind of a cissy thise days. There are pics on Facebook if you're interested. He's pretty cute. He makes me happy. It's so nice to be with someone who gets me and loves me just the way I am. It's really an amazing experience to be in love with someone who isn't trying to control me or fence me in or change me in vital ways (at the risk of sounding too cheesy for words).
He even did my dishes for me on Sunday even though I was clearly the asshole in the fight we were having. And not because I told him to. He just surprised me. I came home from watching football, and my kitchen didn't resemble something that would need a nuclear waste team to clean up, which made me feel doubly bad about being the asshole this time.
We also went to an apple orchard this last weekend. We watch a lot of Family Guy, too. There are reports that Settlers of Catan will be played soon.
I am still working a lot on the side, so that's cool, too.
On the whole, it's been a busy fall.
Lately, I have been playing around on eBay. What have I been buying? Well, I'm glad you asked that. Apparently, I like gemstones.
Now before you get out your black lycra pants and ski masks and start devising elaborate plans to break into my pad, please recognize that I pretty much spent $1 on most of what I bought.
But I pretty much dig what I got. I got some amethyst, an aquamarine, and a topaz (yet another reason not to break into my house: they're only semi-precious).
Some might ask why I am buying gemstones that I a) can't verify are actually real and b) have no practical use for. Well, basically, I've always wanted to be a pirate, and I think this puts me one step closer to have my own chest full of treasure.
I also bought a bunch of beads, just so you don't think I'm completely nuts. ;)
As far as eBay, I highly recommend it. Go ahead; "shop victoriously."
To quote Langston Hughes, "What happens to a dream deferred?"
I'm starting to think that every day you defer it, you kill it a little. Eventually, a dream deferred just dies slowly and at your own hands.