Thoughts of LoWriter

Honesty and the Best Policy

I've been pretty quiet on here lately. Mostly, this is because I'm not sure how much to say. I don't want to piss people off or say things that will upset the various people that may (or may not, as it appears) read this blog, so I keep pretty quiet these days.

The truth is that there are a lot of things going down at work that I'm not particularly happy about, but I have no control over them, so whateva. I'm going to leave that one alone because A) I'm supposed to stay out of it, B) I feel pretty betrayed, and C) sometimes, it's just better to shut up.

The truth is that I'm crazy in love with Ben, who makes me feel like a princess and is everything I've been looking for but never thought I'd find. And I can say that because he knows it.

The truth is that I've been reading in one of my "break-up journals" lately. It's been really refreshing, actually. You know, I get worried all the time (hooray anxiety disorder, in the interest of honesty). And one of the things I worry about is my judgement. Like, how do you ever know if you're with the right person, and the truth is that you don't. But if you're happy more than you're unhappy, it's a pretty good sign. If you feel like you're with the person that you'd want on your side if you were out numbered and it came down to it, that's a pretty good sign.

We are rarely unhappy when we're together these days. I am happier with Ben than I have ever been alone or while dating anybody, and I've almost always been happier alone than with somebody. Not so these days. Sometimes, I feel like when I'm with him, I'm home (to paraphrase a movie I don't remember), and that's an amazing feeling. I feel like I've finally found a man I trust and love. And he never demanded that I trust him. He just waited around until I did trust him because he works under the principle that we have all the time in the world. It's nice to look back several years and remember who I was and realize that I'm very different now and that someone sees me, the real me, and loves me because of who I am underneath everything I put on for show. I like that I've found someone who I love for exactly what he is, too.

And the truth is that everything's not always perfect (you know, so I don't have to feel like I have to be perfect or that someday he's going to reveal hidden imperfections), but it's perfect in a slightly-dented kind of way. I've always been a slightly-dented kind of gal, so it just feels so right.

And then I don't know how much to share about that, either, because I'm sure not many people want to hear about how in love I am right now. (For the record: Completely, totally, head-over-heels, butterflies in my tummy, undeniably, unescapably in love with him.) I envision people making gagging noises whenever I get all mushy about him because I am so mushy and lovey dovey about him. :) And I like it.

And then on the other hand, the truth is that my grandmas are both ill and crazy, and it scares me. One gets a little better, and then the other one gets sick and goes nuts, and it scares the hell out of me. And I don't know what to say because on one hand I feel like a coward about it and on the other, I feel pretty ridiculous because they've had long, happy lives. I'm afraid to go see one of my grandmas because she is mad at everybody, and she's acting crazy (i.e., "Someone has been stealing my socks and unmentionables out of my apartment; call my daughter at work" and "None of you love me, anyway. I may as well just die" and "Now that you have pearls, you'll have to wear a dress for once" talk in circles and repeatedly ask the same question crazy.

The other grandma had pretty much given up for awhile there, and now she's sort of back to the way she was before the cancer treatment caused slight brain damage and made her mean. She's started giving Christmas presents again and saying things like, "How's my girl?" to me again, which makes me feel like maybe she's losing it, too, since it's been at least four or five years since she's been that kind to me. And it makes me sad because I don't know how long it'll last. But that's depressing, so who wants to hear that?

The truth is that right now, I'm not going to church because I don't want to. I like spending my Sunday mornings in my house in the sun in my pajamas. I don't need any help feeling badly about the world right now.

The truth is that I'm a liberal, and that's probably never going to change.

The truth is, I know a lot of people who don't like me very much right now, and I mostly think these people suck, but I can't say that because it's not polite and what would it accomplish anyway?

The truth is, most days, I'm satisfied if I can go home, cook dinner, cuddle, watch something amazing on TV (or DVD since the strike is on), play a game of Tetris, and go to bed at a decent hour.

And those are the things I can talk about. I guess that the truth is that there's a lot of things I can't talk about right now. I know a lot of secrets that other people can't know, and I know a lot of things that will get me into trouble if I talk about them too much. And I know a lot of things that I am treasuring up and pondering in my heart. I don't want to tempt Fate into wrecking the good things, and I don't feel like dwelling on the bad things. At some point, you're just out of things that meet the criteria for being said.

There's a lot in my life that needs to go unsaid right now. Chapters are beginning and others are ending, and that's ok. That's just fine. But for now, it's best for me to keep it to myself which are which. :)

Feel free to share mysteriously cryptic statements of your own in the comments.

Posted by LoWriter at February 4, 2008 11:26 PM