Thoughts of LoWriter

10 Years Have Passed...

If I could share only one detail about Amy with you, I would let you hear her laugh. That's what Amy was: A good, hearty, bubbling laugh in the middle of the best summer afternoon of your childhood.

I miss her the same way we all miss those endless childhood summer afternoons now after we are grown.

The one time I had a good dream about her (where she wasn't a sad, blue shade or a substantive ghost only visible to me), she was laughing and calling to her dog, and I woke up in tears because I was so sad but so happy that after several years, I could finally remember the sound of her voice.

I can't explain it. We were so young, and the older I get, the more I see that we were so immature. My friendships now have so much more substance, but back then... back then, my friendship with Amy and Kimmy was the strongest. It was the only friendship that mattered to me. It was everything, and when she died, my whole world fell apart.

And I agree with C.S. Lewis... so much about grief is selfish. So much of it is focused on the self rather than on the deceased. Even so, I don't think that's wrong. After 10 years, I can say that grief is different every time we experience it. I do accept that grief is a healing process--it's how we recover from our wounds--so yes, much of it is personal and focused on the self.

Thus, as I get older, I try to make this day about remembering her, but also about getting "better." I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be who I was going to be before she committed suicide; that's not possible. But I can be better than I was last year.

And I can remember her and smile and cry because she truly had the most beautiful laugh in the world. I'm glad to have known her and sad to have lost her.

Posted by LoWriter at September 6, 2007 11:47 PM