Every year I tell myself that it's going to be better. Every year it is a little bit better and a little bit harder in different ways.
At any rate, on Friday (9-8), it'll have been nine years since my best friend from high school passed away (suicide). I know it's ridiculous, but I still miss her. However old I might be, there's still a part of me that is 17 and ready to have a great senior year of high school. And while I may have made up my mind that this year's particular addiction is going to be work and school and not, oh, I don't know, 99 Bananas, like it may or may not have been last year, it's still hard to get through these next couple of weeks. I think Grandpa's passing has taken the edge off of Amy's, too. I think part of me was afraid that I would never be able to live through another death of someone close to me, but every day, I do get through it. So as I see it's not as hard, it gets easier to deal with Amy's death, too. On the other hand, sometimes it hurts twice as badly.
It doesn't make any logical sense, and to tell the truth, I'm feeling more and more embarrassed about it these days, but what can you do. It is what it is. Amy's death changed me and scarred me. But flowers can grow, even in ashes, and I guess I'm growing. It always hurts, but it hurts... differently. It's just... not as sharp. It hurts less often. It's not so raw everytime someone touches near that spot in my heart that is always going to be 17. As time goes by, you get so you can laugh about who the person was. I look forward to the day that I can talk about my grandpa in that way again.
Every year at this time, I take stock. I decide who/what I want to be in light of what I've learned over the last year. I spend a lot of time crying and a lot of time alone thinking. I spend a lot of time avoiding thinking. I think I am starting to learn what it means to forgive. I say starting because I know this will take years, but I'm learning how to forgive myself. I'm learning how to forgive the people I hold responsible. I'm learning that wishing them ill only scars me more.
I miss her and Grandpa both deeply. I hope to see them both again someday.
Posted by LoWriter at September 6, 2006 11:18 PM